Why Is Our Inner Critic So Mean… Yet, Trying to Protect Us?

Every one of us has an inner critic—that harsh, judgmental voice inside. It can feel relentless, shaming, and just plain mean.

Have you ever heard it say things like:

• “You look disgusting in that outfit.”

• “No one will like you if you don’t lose weight.”

• “You’re not trying hard enough.”

• “You’re a failure if you don’t make more money.”

• “Your partner doesn’t actually like you.”

• “You should just stay home—something bad will happen.”

• “You have to be perfect to be loved… and you never will be.”

These thoughts are painful. They can be paralyzing.

So why would a part of us speak to us like this? Believe it or not, our inner critic thinks it’s protecting us.

I often picture this part as a younger, child-like, scared version of ourselves—someone who learned harsh rules to stay safe, avoid shame, and be accepted. It’s afraid. It tries to keep us in line so we won’t get hurt.

Knowing where it’s coming from doesn’t make its words okay, but when we recognize the fear beneath the cruelty, we can begin to soften. Instead of pushing the critic away or letting it take over, we can get curious:

What is it afraid of?
What does it need?

Here are a few ways to begin responding to your inner critic:

• Notice when these thoughts come up. What are you doing? Who are you with?

• Be kind to the critic. Try not to push it away—when we get mean with it, it tends to get louder.

• Talk to it gently:
  “Hi protector part, I know you’re trying to keep me safe by saying these things. I know you’re scared, but I’m okay. I’m here to take care of us, even when things feel scary.”

• Soothe and comfort this part, like you would a scared child.

The idea is to get to know your inner critic—not as the enemy, but as a part of you that’s deeply afraid and doing its best. Over time, with compassion and care, this voice doesn’t have to rule your life anymore.